Realisations and Recruitment

Over the last few weeks (since returning from a well deserved holiday in France) I've been through numerous phone calls and emails, a formal phone interview and two face to face interviews and guess what? I've actually been offered a job! A proper, salaried job, with a brilliant, well known company. Me! Ha! 

After I stopped laugh-crying in shock, phoned all the important folks, debated whether I should reward myself with a duvet day (I did), and got the fear about needing to buy grown up work clothes, it occurred to me that,  despite really wanting this job, I genuinely didn't believe that I would get it.

I had spoken to numerous people with experience of the company and the job who all said I'd be perfect for it, people said they had a good feeling about it because all the interviews had moved so fast, but in each case, I would find some reason I wasn't right for the role.

Now I'm not always a negative person, I know I'm a good barmaid,  I know I'm good with people,  I know I'm good at all sorts of things,  so why is it that when it came to this, I was so unwilling to believe that I was good enough? Even though I've had a call saying when I can expect to receive my contract, and that I have dates set to meet the team I'll be working with, and a set start date, I can't help but feel like someone along the line has mistaken me for someone else.

For every person who tells me I deserve something,  or that I would be good at something,  I regress to toddler-hood, and can't do anything other than ask why. I've always had a loving and supportive network of people around me, who've never turned round and told me that I'm not good enough, so why has it become a persistent struggle for me to believe that I am capable of achieving what I want? 

Perhaps it's because I've never particularly excelled at anything. I've always been smart, but never brilliant, a good musician, but never great, a good rower, but never the best. Maybe the next completely illogical step is for me to believe that although I'm good at what I do now, I won't be good at anything else. I suppose it could be that it's hard for me to believe that someone has actually chosen me above other people as I've always seen myself as second best, especially when I compare myself to other people. In my eyes, my friends are prettier, smarter, more confident, more lovable, more generally capable than I am. They are the ones who get chosen for things; jobs, courses, awards, relationships, and I am the one who kind of falls into things as if by chance, never understanding quite how I got there. 

I don't know, maybe 6 months from now, I'll be blogging about how much I love my job, how good I am at it, and how generally fantastic I am, but for now, I think I shall try and stay hopeful. In much the same way as I no longer hate what I see in the mirror (in fact, I've grown quite fond of my face), I hope that, in time, I'll honestly believe that I am good enough to do what I set my mind to. Wish me luck!!

I AM A GRADUATE!!!!!

Today, I graduated with a 2:1. I am officially allowed to put "BSc Psychology (Hons.) Upper Second Class" on my CV. I am a fairly employable individual, and believe me, no-one is more surprised than I am. The last four years have been somewhat up and down. There have been many times where I've questioned why my coursework was so easy, and why I was re-learning things I was taught at school, and there have been an equal number of times where I've thought "I just can't do this, it's too hard". For every down, there has been an up, for every friend I've been forced to relinquish to the past, a new one has appeared in my life. Every interaction has taught me more about myself than I would sometimes care to admit, but now is the time for me to say thank you.

First of all, to my parents: I would not be where I am, or who I am without your influence and support. When I've been utterly broken, your love and encouragement have been the glue that have put me back together again. I can't properly express how grateful I am for what you've sacrificed to give me the opportunities that you have, and I truly hope that one day, I will be able to return the favour, one way or another.

Secondly, to my closest friends: I can't thank you enough for putting up with my whining, complaining, ranting and general awfulness for the last four years. Some of you, I have known for almost half of my life, some, less than a year. Whether I have known you since childhood, from fresher's week, or from this year, you have shown me strength within myself that I didn't know was there. You've given me the courage to overcome obstacles that I was too weak and frightened to face alone and a big part of me walking across that stage today was down to you. Emily, Becky, Rachael, Clo, Audrey and Georgie in particular, I truly would not have been able to do this without you, whether you realise it or not.

Thirdly, to my family in general: whether or not I have openly complained at you, or whether you've provided me with an encouraging word or guiding thought, you have formed the foundation of a support system which has brought me through the four most tumultuous and downright confusing years of my life. I can't thank you enough.

Lastly, a more obscure thank you. I want to thank the people who have let me down, or left me somewhere along the way, from people who had been friends for years, to those who I've let myself care about more recently. Thank you for making me stronger. Thank you for making me fight harder for the things that I want, and the things that I deserve. Thank you for making me so furious and upset that I hit the gym instead of the ice cream. Thank you for showing me that I should be more discerning with who I trust, and who I let into my life. Ultimately, thank you for showing me that I can do better than people who will let me down when I need them the most. I deserve better, I have better, and I realise that now.

I have done things this year that I'm not proud of, and I can't honestly say that I am proud of the person I have been,  but I can 100% truthfully say that, as of today, I am proud of the person I am. I've made a lot of mistakes, I am only human. I can't attribute any portion of that pride to me alone, every part of the person I am is down to other people and their support, encouragement and the steadfastness of their belief in me (or, indeed, their downright douchebaggery).

So thank you! From the bottom of my heart, thank you, each and every one of you who has gone through these four years with me in any way. My new shiny degree is your degree, my walk across the stage carried with me every person who has touched my life. I am me, because of you all. Thank you!

Oh No... Not Again...

This is different from last time. I believe I am worth something. I believe my life is worth living, and I know 100% that I'm not alone. Getting out of bed is getting harder and horrible thoughts I've not had in years pop into my head at the most inopportune times. Not in an 'I'm going to do something' way, more an 'it would be so easy to do something if I wanted' kind of way.

I think I'm just getting snowed under with everything. I don't feel like this is never going to end or get better, but I do feel like crying... constantly. My room is unpleasantly messy and no matter how much time I spend around people, I feel horribly isolated. I've fallen into the middle of such complicated and confusing emotional, educational, financial and general life situations that I no longer feel able to juggle without dropping everything. Fourth year was supposed to be the enjoyable (if hard) one, it wasn't supposed to turn me into a head case again...

I just need to keep telling myself this won't last forever...

Growing Up... It Sucks!

I have been on a massive downer all day. I can't quite seem to snap myself out of my overly emotional, on-the-verge-of-tears state. I'm pretty sure it's because, all of a sudden, I'm having to face lots of the realities of leaving university and becoming a fully-fledged adult.

In the past week, I've applied for a post-uni job, booked my driving test, applied for funding to do my personal license, revised for my final exams, begun to plan to move to Glasgow (by which i mean drooling over beautiful flats with Georgie), and found out that one of my friends is moving home for the summer this week, and won't be back in Dundee until after I'm long gone. On top of all that, one of my closest friends is applying for an incredible internship abroad that starts in less than a month which would mean she'd be leaving too. From all of this, I've discovered something about myself: I am horribly, horribly selfish!

I don't want anyone to leave, and I don't think I'm ready for my whole support system that I've cultivated into one, lovely, friendly place to break apart so soon. I want my goodbyes with everyone I care about to be on my terms, when I'm the one who is leaving. I want all of those people to still be in one place for me to run back to when the real world just becomes too much. I've become reliant on so many people, particularly this year, and developed really intense friendships that I don't know how to cope without anymore. It's hard not to feel like I'm constantly pestering people for attention because I still can't work out how to be on my own.

This semester has passed me by so much faster than I feel like it ought to have and 'Oh, I have plenty time to do that' has become 'Oh shit! Is that less than a month away?!'. The speed that everything has started changing at is so staggering that I'm starting to feel as though I'm losing control of my own life. So instead of meticulously organising and planning the next couple of months, I've been catching up on highly emotional TV shows, learning songs on my guitar, snapchatting everyone I don't think I've annoyed too much with my recent clingyness, and procrastinating. The good news is I'm getting better at guitar, that's about it.

Logic is telling me that I just need to grin and bear everything, really get down to studying and bottle up all my frustration, but I don't want to. I'd give anything to go back to where I was just a couple of weeks ago, before reality gave me a big ol' slap in the face. Today is the kind of day where, if I didn't have to work tonight, I'd demolish a bottle of wine on my own, cry a lot, possibly watch The Notebook, but alas, work and revision call instead.

This whole growing up, real world thing? It's really, really crappy.

New Year... Again

Happy 2013 darling followers, it's been such a long time since I've written anything, to be honest, I've been a bit snowed under with Uni and stuff, as usual. I've only got 6 months left until I graduate and, despite the initial purpose of this blog, I still have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life after university. Oops!

I envy those people who have vocational degrees, nurses, doctors, lawyers and the like, the ones who have a pre-planned career path and, even if they decide they want to do something else at the end of it all, still have a direction. Perhaps, rather than try desperately to work out what i am supposed to be, what I should be doing is escaping the bindings of education, after all, I've been in education since I was five years old and I'll be 22 when I graduate.

I've never really traveled and I'd love to. I adore wandering about foreign places, absorbing the history, trying (and usually failing) to learn a little of the language, but I don't think I would want to do it alone, I feel it's better to share these things with others. I've thought about working the bar on cruise ships, if I were away for a year, I could potentially visit 70+ different ports, make friends, and yes it would be hard work, but I'm not adverse to a little of that.

Perhaps I'll work for a couple of years and save up some money and piss off to somewhere in the sun, America, South Africa, Australia, I've family in all three. I can always go back to education, back to working, but I'm only going to be young once, I don't want to be a wife, a mother, a home-owner, and still be pining for things I should have done when I had the chance.

So for a while, I think I'll focus on getting through the last few months of university, and then just see where life takes me...

Oh, This Age of Technology...

This past week, I have been without a laptop. My old faithful Dell (her name was Gertrude Von Winklehoffen for those who wish to know) finally gave up the ghost and refused to open anything even remotely useful. Initially, I was distraught, devastated, inconsolable even, but Gertrude's demise turned out not to be the worst thing that's ever happened to me... Who knew?

Not having a laptop made me go out and DO things rather than sitting in my friend's flat (my move out and in dates were a fortnight apart) watching innumerable episodes of American dramas and sitcoms and eating whatever I could be bothered to nip to the nearest Tesco for (for the record, usually a chicken caesar wrap and a bottle of diet coke). I had lunch, coffee and dinner with friends who I'd been meaning to spend quality time with for weeks. I finished Lady Chatterley's Lover, went to a local coffee shop, curled up on a sofa and launched into Orwell's '1984'. I fell in love with reading again, and found solace and relaxation in my own company. I made more time to phone my mum, and made time for friends who needed me. I baked a tray of brownies with a recipe from memory, and I stopped putting off getting ready for things just to finish whatever episode of something I was watching. I got more fresh air, and I remembered how nice it is just to sit and talk about nothing for hours. When I felt like torturing myself with items of clothing that I couldn't afford, I actually went out and wandered through shops, aimlessly, dismissing the more ridiculous "fashion" items and picking up dresses that I knew I wouldn't buy.

Admittedly, I wasn't completely removed from the technological world, I still had my trusty Blackberry and so I still had access to Facebook and Twitter but nonetheless, I found myself checking them less often, using them as a crutch less and less, not constantly needing to know what was going on in the lives of my acquaintances. The lives of my close friends, I was already aware of BECAUSE I'D SPOKEN TO THEM IN PERSON and it was wonderful. Those important to me had taken on a more important role in my life, they became everything that my laptop had ceased to provide: gossip, comfort, entertainment only they were real. My friends became the reason that I laughed and cried and their lives became my very own sitcom, my own drama. Meeting new friends was like the first episode of a new season, and losing old ones became a season finale (only without the plane crashes/deaths etc).

What I'm trying to say I suppose, it in a world where TV and the internet are so prevalent and play such a big part in our lives, perhaps our parents were right (man, I hate saying that). Far from having too little and needing more, perhaps we've amassed too much. I have been happier this past couple of weeks than I can remember being in a long time, I've been deliriously happy, even at work. Rather than having Adele and Kelly Clarkson going round in my head, I've had Tom Jones, Tina Turner, Family Guy even. I have remembered what it is to really be a friend and not just a faceless response to a text or tweet. I have remembered the comfort that comes from an actual hug, not just "*hug*" on instant messenger. I have remembered that companionable silence with a loved one is infinitely more comforting than banal conversations with customers, made just to hear the sound of one's own voice.

So yes, as much as I hate to admit it, I'm beginning to believe that less is more, and that having so much is making us miserable. Of course I can't speak for every person in the world, but for me personally, I am not ready to dismiss the happiness I'm finding in other people and myself to watch more TV or lie in bed watching movies for hours on end. I've no doubt that I'll still have down days, and days where I decide to veg out in bed with a pile of DVDs, but I'd like to think that on my bad days, I'll make a phone call, or have a coffee with someone and that when i want to watch a film, I'll invite some friends round. In essence, I've rediscovered what it is to be a social being. Infants need society to develop, and adults need society to stay balanced. I've started finding my balance again, and if I had one bit of advice to give right now, it would be to power down the computer, leave the telly off, switch off the smartphone and relearn what it is to experience life away from technology  and realise that, even in your own company, it is infinitely better than watching another episode of that sitcom you like.

Yes, I'm Single, And I'm Okay With It

I am a 21-year-old woman, and I am single.

I seem to be reaching a stage where the vast majority of my friends are getting into relationships; long-term, secure, loving relationships, not just your teenage romance that lasts a few weeks then fizzles out, seriously, one of them is engaged! And do you know what? A lot of the time it's difficult, and there are times when I feel like a bit of a third wheel even though I'm good friends with both partners.

Being single when all your friends  have coupled up and your remaining single friends aren't always around or part of the same groups can be hard. No matter how non-couply they act around you out of respect of your mutual friendship and your singledom, you always know that they're together and on a good day, it probably won't bother you, hell, you might even give into the "oh look how cute and in love they are" way of thinking. On a bad day though, when you're not feeling great about yourself, when you're lonely or when something has happened that impinges on any semblance of a good mood, it's torture. Seeing other people that you care about being in love on bad days just serves to remind you that you're alone for now. Sure, you have friends and family, but it's not the same as having someone who wakes up in the morning thinking about you, goes to sleep thinking about you, and who makes you feel beautiful and loved even when you have the flu and the entire contents of your head are trying to escape through your nose. If you're having a day where you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, spending time with a couple will probably make you feel worse, and if you don't like the person you are that day, that'll be worse too and you'll probably blame your perpetual single status on everything that you hate about yourself that (believe me) no-one else even notices or thinks about you. But despite all that, and despite the constant reminder that you are indeed single, IT'S NOT ALL BAD!!!

For instance, today I sat in my bed eating ice cream and watching crap telly, just because I could, then when I got bored of that, I went for coffee with two very good friends. I bought a couple of films that I've been meaning to watch for a long time and now I'm back in bed because my flat is bloody freezing. Yesterday, I went training, driving the motor launch, had lunch with people then came home and sat in bed for a while reading, had a 2-hour long bath, just because I could, then fell asleep (not in the bath I might add, don't want to drown... Health and Safety and what-not...).

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that these are things that you just can't do when you're in a relationship, but it's nice to be able to do what I like whenever I like and not have to worry about other people's feelings or timing. I finished work early on Saturday night so I stayed for a few drinks and a guy bought me a couple of drinks. We were just chatting and there was no awkward dilemma about whether I should accept based on my relationship status.

Speaking of bars and guys buying me drinks, just because I'm "the single friend" doesn't mean that I need to be set up (especially not with random guys in bars just because they're there). I guess I still hold a deeply romanticised version of how couples meet and fall in love, but that's okay for me, and if I don't meet the man of my dreams because our eyes meet across a crowded room, that's fine too. I don't want to be "that friend" just because other people want to see me with someone.

I'm starting to realise that I like being able to make my own decisions and be my own person. I mean sure, I have days where I'm unhappy that I'm alone, and there is nothing I would enjoy more than cuddling up on the sofa with someone and watching a film. Seriously, there are days when I'm downright distraught at how long I've been single and I start putting all the blame on myself but in the clarity of morning; who cares?

I am single and for the first time in a long time, I'm genuinely fine with it.