Yes, I'm Single, And I'm Okay With It

I am a 21-year-old woman, and I am single.

I seem to be reaching a stage where the vast majority of my friends are getting into relationships; long-term, secure, loving relationships, not just your teenage romance that lasts a few weeks then fizzles out, seriously, one of them is engaged! And do you know what? A lot of the time it's difficult, and there are times when I feel like a bit of a third wheel even though I'm good friends with both partners.

Being single when all your friends  have coupled up and your remaining single friends aren't always around or part of the same groups can be hard. No matter how non-couply they act around you out of respect of your mutual friendship and your singledom, you always know that they're together and on a good day, it probably won't bother you, hell, you might even give into the "oh look how cute and in love they are" way of thinking. On a bad day though, when you're not feeling great about yourself, when you're lonely or when something has happened that impinges on any semblance of a good mood, it's torture. Seeing other people that you care about being in love on bad days just serves to remind you that you're alone for now. Sure, you have friends and family, but it's not the same as having someone who wakes up in the morning thinking about you, goes to sleep thinking about you, and who makes you feel beautiful and loved even when you have the flu and the entire contents of your head are trying to escape through your nose. If you're having a day where you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, spending time with a couple will probably make you feel worse, and if you don't like the person you are that day, that'll be worse too and you'll probably blame your perpetual single status on everything that you hate about yourself that (believe me) no-one else even notices or thinks about you. But despite all that, and despite the constant reminder that you are indeed single, IT'S NOT ALL BAD!!!

For instance, today I sat in my bed eating ice cream and watching crap telly, just because I could, then when I got bored of that, I went for coffee with two very good friends. I bought a couple of films that I've been meaning to watch for a long time and now I'm back in bed because my flat is bloody freezing. Yesterday, I went training, driving the motor launch, had lunch with people then came home and sat in bed for a while reading, had a 2-hour long bath, just because I could, then fell asleep (not in the bath I might add, don't want to drown... Health and Safety and what-not...).

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that these are things that you just can't do when you're in a relationship, but it's nice to be able to do what I like whenever I like and not have to worry about other people's feelings or timing. I finished work early on Saturday night so I stayed for a few drinks and a guy bought me a couple of drinks. We were just chatting and there was no awkward dilemma about whether I should accept based on my relationship status.

Speaking of bars and guys buying me drinks, just because I'm "the single friend" doesn't mean that I need to be set up (especially not with random guys in bars just because they're there). I guess I still hold a deeply romanticised version of how couples meet and fall in love, but that's okay for me, and if I don't meet the man of my dreams because our eyes meet across a crowded room, that's fine too. I don't want to be "that friend" just because other people want to see me with someone.

I'm starting to realise that I like being able to make my own decisions and be my own person. I mean sure, I have days where I'm unhappy that I'm alone, and there is nothing I would enjoy more than cuddling up on the sofa with someone and watching a film. Seriously, there are days when I'm downright distraught at how long I've been single and I start putting all the blame on myself but in the clarity of morning; who cares?

I am single and for the first time in a long time, I'm genuinely fine with it.

Well Cripes, It's Been a While!

Wow, it's been a really long time since I've blogged but hey, it's been EXAM SEASON, the worst few weeks of every student's year. For a couple of weeks twice a year, every student morphs from being a fairly rational and well put together (if heavy-drinking) person, into an emotional and physical wreck. Procrastination becomes an art form, and revision becomes a swear word. The library becomes home, and socialising finally takes second place to actual, grown up university work. Hands cramp writing up lectures, and eyes become slightly less functional from reading and writing for 12 hours a day. Coffee and energy drinks become lifelines and sleep becomes a welcomed break from revision. Walking round any university library, the casual observer will more than likely see tears, hair-pulling and faces that show nothing but resignation to failure and careful listening will more than likely reveal a chorus of "I'm going to fail", "Well shit, I've never seen that before" and "Oh bugger it, who's heading to the Union?". I think most students are aware that, 99% of the time, last minute cramming doesn't work, but we all do it, we all still pull all-nighters, we all still have that drink when we know we should probably still be in the library, and we all still try to remember that our coursework does count for something.

Some people love exams, and deal with them really well, I, on the other hand, hate them with a passion. I struggle to focus and revise until the last minute (although I've been better this year) and I genuinely believe that if more of my grades were based on coursework, I would look a hell of a lot smarter than I do. That said, usually, I come out of exams feeling that I've done all right, and that I've probably done enough to pass (with the notable exception of my Psychology of Language exam a week ago where I sat down and literally could not answer a single question). I guess just now I'm really struggling with knowing that I could have, and probably should have done better in this set of exams, but there's nothing I can do now. I'm still not sure what I want to do after I leave uni so I really find it difficult to focus on working, I have nothing to aim for just now. I guess exam season just really brings issues like this home, especially now that my grades actually count for things. In first and second year, floating along was pretty easy, and not having the pressure of knowing that every grade has the potential to affect the rest of your life... well, it just made things a whole lot nicer. I have to confess, I get a bit of a laugh out of watching first and second year students panicking about exams (apart from really vocational degrees where the grades still matter), and thinking about how they still really have it all to come.

I think exam time makes you learn a lot about yourself, about your priorities, your strengths, weaknesses and your own resilience. Personally, I try not to let exams stress me out any more than they have to, I mean, there's always resits right?