I have been on a massive downer all day. I can't quite seem to snap myself out of my overly emotional, on-the-verge-of-tears state. I'm pretty sure it's because, all of a sudden, I'm having to face lots of the realities of leaving university and becoming a fully-fledged adult.
In the past week, I've applied for a post-uni job, booked my driving test, applied for funding to do my personal license, revised for my final exams, begun to plan to move to Glasgow (by which i mean drooling over beautiful flats with Georgie), and found out that one of my friends is moving home for the summer this week, and won't be back in Dundee until after I'm long gone. On top of all that, one of my closest friends is applying for an incredible internship abroad that starts in less than a month which would mean she'd be leaving too. From all of this, I've discovered something about myself: I am horribly, horribly selfish!
I don't want anyone to leave, and I don't think I'm ready for my whole support system that I've cultivated into one, lovely, friendly place to break apart so soon. I want my goodbyes with everyone I care about to be on my terms, when I'm the one who is leaving. I want all of those people to still be in one place for me to run back to when the real world just becomes too much. I've become reliant on so many people, particularly this year, and developed really intense friendships that I don't know how to cope without anymore. It's hard not to feel like I'm constantly pestering people for attention because I still can't work out how to be on my own.
This semester has passed me by so much faster than I feel like it ought to have and 'Oh, I have plenty time to do that' has become 'Oh shit! Is that less than a month away?!'. The speed that everything has started changing at is so staggering that I'm starting to feel as though I'm losing control of my own life. So instead of meticulously organising and planning the next couple of months, I've been catching up on highly emotional TV shows, learning songs on my guitar, snapchatting everyone I don't think I've annoyed too much with my recent clingyness, and procrastinating. The good news is I'm getting better at guitar, that's about it.
Logic is telling me that I just need to grin and bear everything, really get down to studying and bottle up all my frustration, but I don't want to. I'd give anything to go back to where I was just a couple of weeks ago, before reality gave me a big ol' slap in the face. Today is the kind of day where, if I didn't have to work tonight, I'd demolish a bottle of wine on my own, cry a lot, possibly watch The Notebook, but alas, work and revision call instead.
This whole growing up, real world thing? It's really, really crappy.
