Realisations and Recruitment

Over the last few weeks (since returning from a well deserved holiday in France) I've been through numerous phone calls and emails, a formal phone interview and two face to face interviews and guess what? I've actually been offered a job! A proper, salaried job, with a brilliant, well known company. Me! Ha! 

After I stopped laugh-crying in shock, phoned all the important folks, debated whether I should reward myself with a duvet day (I did), and got the fear about needing to buy grown up work clothes, it occurred to me that,  despite really wanting this job, I genuinely didn't believe that I would get it.

I had spoken to numerous people with experience of the company and the job who all said I'd be perfect for it, people said they had a good feeling about it because all the interviews had moved so fast, but in each case, I would find some reason I wasn't right for the role.

Now I'm not always a negative person, I know I'm a good barmaid,  I know I'm good with people,  I know I'm good at all sorts of things,  so why is it that when it came to this, I was so unwilling to believe that I was good enough? Even though I've had a call saying when I can expect to receive my contract, and that I have dates set to meet the team I'll be working with, and a set start date, I can't help but feel like someone along the line has mistaken me for someone else.

For every person who tells me I deserve something,  or that I would be good at something,  I regress to toddler-hood, and can't do anything other than ask why. I've always had a loving and supportive network of people around me, who've never turned round and told me that I'm not good enough, so why has it become a persistent struggle for me to believe that I am capable of achieving what I want? 

Perhaps it's because I've never particularly excelled at anything. I've always been smart, but never brilliant, a good musician, but never great, a good rower, but never the best. Maybe the next completely illogical step is for me to believe that although I'm good at what I do now, I won't be good at anything else. I suppose it could be that it's hard for me to believe that someone has actually chosen me above other people as I've always seen myself as second best, especially when I compare myself to other people. In my eyes, my friends are prettier, smarter, more confident, more lovable, more generally capable than I am. They are the ones who get chosen for things; jobs, courses, awards, relationships, and I am the one who kind of falls into things as if by chance, never understanding quite how I got there. 

I don't know, maybe 6 months from now, I'll be blogging about how much I love my job, how good I am at it, and how generally fantastic I am, but for now, I think I shall try and stay hopeful. In much the same way as I no longer hate what I see in the mirror (in fact, I've grown quite fond of my face), I hope that, in time, I'll honestly believe that I am good enough to do what I set my mind to. Wish me luck!!